The Empty Canvas

I'm still here. At least I am some of the time.

There is a lot more death in medicine than I thought there would be. I guess I never really acknowledged that people MUST eventually die. I had my most confronting experience with death earlier this term. A patient who, in some ways reminded me of my father (but in reality is nothing like) - is dying. Not actuely, but in the long term, his odds aren't looking so good.
When I found out, I couldn't believe it. My thoughts were racing at a hundred to one. 'People come to hospitals to get better, he can't be dying' and similar  thoughts went rushing through my head. My adrenaline was pumping and I was terrified, for him, for myself (I'm not really sure I could separate the feeling).
When I went to see him, he was more calm about it all than I was - he sat me down and matter-of-factly said to me "Listen doc, I know I'm dying... just tell me, how long to I have? Hours? Days? Months?"
I didn't have an answer for him. Not then, not immediately. It was my second day on the acute medicine job.
He didn't die, and as of today hasn't yet. He made a slow, minor recovery from his acute hurdle and went home, at the same level of function that he was prior to admission. Which for me, was a small miracle. A blessing sign.
It restored my faith in what I am doing for people. We can't cure, we can't prevent death, but we can manage disease.

There have been several deaths on the ward since. Patients who were at the end of their life. Its hard to swallow as a whole, but thanks to that  one man, and those that have followed after him, those that make it home, I love my job with a ferocity I never would have thought possible.

And I'm still standing. I have no idea where my thoughts will be in another few months... hopefully I'll manage to get some of it written down. All my love

So I've survived my first few days and so have my patients. phew!

I still have this fear that I'll forget something. I think this job would have been easier if I had to report to just one consultant... turns out I have two! (and they don't necessarily get along).

As I always suspected the intern role is mostly paperwork. I feel like I spent all of today filling out forms and time crawled by. By lunchtime I felt like I'd been there forever.

The patients are an interesting mix, though I've spent so little time with them I feel ill equipped to handle any of their queries. I wonder if I'll always feel this way on a new rotation.

I also nearly introduced myself as a medical student... :)

So, officially Day 1 tomorrow.  I'm a little wired. Correction. I'm very wired.

I've been terrified by the intern before me. I feel like I know very little about how the job works and that I've forgotten everything I ever knew about drugs. That is if I ever knew anything.

Wish me luck.

So the letter was delivered to my mum... and the last week has been an emotional rollercoaster. I also have spoken to her since and hopefully cleared the air.

Feeling very hurt and a little relieved.

I have no idea what the future holds with regard to how my family and I interact now. Meanwhile, Shak is having a stroke. or maybe a heart-attack... in reality, I believe its just bad milkshake.

I am living in Beaumaris now, and will have a house-warming after my graduation.

I'm having one of those "I don't want to get out of bed" days.  Its Day 2 of a six-week holiday, and I can't be bothered moving.

I've exhausted my interest in facebook for now, as there are only so many times you can hit an okay button without going nuts...

I've also finished all the trashy novels I borrowed from the library.

I should get up... but even the thought of my muscles de-conditioning if I spent a week here is really not motivation enough to take off my pj's and dress for the day.

Unfortunately my favourite games on http://www.addictinggames.com/index.html don't run well on a mac... so playing them on my laptop isn't an option...

WOW maybe... but again, i'd have to set myself up in a comfy position.

Too lazy to move.

That Five Quotations Meme. 
Gankt from lokicarbis
Go to http://quotationspage.com/random.php3 and read until you find five quotes that speak your truth.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

e e cummings (1894 - 1962)

None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)

Family isn't about whose blood you have. It's about who you care about.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park, Ike's Wee Wee, 1998

There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.

Aldous Huxley (1894 - 1963)

This is our purpose: to make as meaningful as possible this life that has been bestowed upon us; to live in such a way that we may be proud of ourselves; to act in such a way that some part of us lives on.

Oswald Spengler (1880 - 1936)

Its been a while, but it so GOOD to be back.

I've been back six days now, and I really haven't done much more beyond uni stuff. The timetable they gave me hasn't really left much time for catching up with the jet lag. A sleep in this morning was just what I needed, but the coffee I had at four pm yesterday cheated me out of an early night!

Family and their demands are something I was nicely isolated from while away... being back has both its positives and negatives. They've rearranged the house to make room for my move back, very supportive, I think they're trying to convince me I don't have to move out next year. It isn't going to stop me.

Hopefully over the next little while, I'll be able to save a little money, my bank balance isn't looking too crash hot right now. My last rotation thru central Oz traded savings for fuel.

I have been offered a job in Vic for next year! I'm so excited. When I read the email for the job offer I was so excited the lady next to me thought I'd won the lottery!

I'm also looking forward to catching up with everyone. Hugs to all.

If being back for six days feels like this...

Blogging...heh...

My life is interestingly convoluted at the moment. At least, it seems that way.

I'm trying to juggle too many things again and as always, I feel like I've just thrown too many balls up in the air and am now waiting for them to come crashing down. My only question is do I work like a daemon and try to catch them all, or stand there with my hands open and make and effort to catch few, or do I cover my head with my hands and cower?

This rotation in the centre of the country is more than half-way over (four weeks down, two to go) and to be completely honest - I'm not that disappointed. It hasn't been the most engaging rotation, neither has there been much motivation for me to work harder.

In almost any other situation I would be going all-out despite what was going on. Here however, there is little that I can do.

In no particular order, I have
1. four of projects to get underway.
2. two deadlines in a fortnight.
2. to work on getting sponsorship for Graduation celebrations
3. to figure out what is happening with family
4. to wait for job offers (national round of offers is in one week)
5. to try to save some money to do a Certified Burns Management course
6. to keep my relationship together
7. stressed out pet birds who are missing me
8. to go rent-a-househunting
9. DO MY TAXES...(which I forget every year)

So, after that last post... my boyfriend is convinced I'm a closet emo wannabe.

So, I guess its been a long while. At least since one of my entries was more than fluff.

I guess you could say that I'm on the home stretch now, but for 10 months and with the grace of God, I'll be an intern.

Its been a while to get here. Most of the people who read this have been with me from the start of this phase of my life, as little as they may have realised that moving interstate to study was a change from my hum-drum routine.

In a funny way I can almost remember the odd sense of freedom and uncertainty about the future that I held in Dec '04. I can vividly recall a train journey where I contemplated what my life was to be without medicine in it - where I pictured myself in an administrative position, joining the rat-race of commuters to and from the city on the trains in the morning. Leaving work at work and coming home to a different life. It seemed a simpler sort of life.

These days I try and envision my future, especially as my course draws ever closer to its completion. To figure out, picture, where I see myself beyond tomorrow. Its harder now - as plentiful as choice may be, the consequences of choices seem to be greater, resulting in more profound impact on life in the future. Choosing a particular career path seems to be almost like choosing a particular life-style.

How does one make the choice?

Do you pick for your interests? For your strengths? For what comes naturally?
Do you choose to challenge yourself? To push your boundaries? To stay within comfort zones?
Do you fall into whatever fate deals you? or do you actively push yourself for alternate goals?

Being a believer in the adage "What will be, will be." Doesn't stop me from actively trying to achieve what I feel is best... My dilemma is deciding what is best!

Gankt from warmdarkwood

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Hello All...

Long time no update... ( why? )
***

That all being said, "WOO HOOO!!! I PASSED!!"
(I've also been accepted to do an elective at the Alfred next year!)
I'm back in Melb for Christmas too!

gankt from http://jeffreyleow.wordpress.com/
( medical meme )

For the third time in two days someone has said to me... "fear is the most powerful motivator"

I do find it odd when life throws these quirky moments at you. I sit there wondering if life is a television show. If I there are over-riding themes to my days, that I just don't percieve. How much of what is said around me goes over my head?
----
I'm stressed a little. All self induced. My methods of de-stressing... currently seem to be "avoiding the issues". Annoying. I'm irritated at myself for not managing. This is purely a therapeutic post. Or an attempt at one.

Cardio, Resp, Renal, Neuro, GIT, Obs/Gyn, Paeds, Psych, Surgery. I think that is the sum of what I need to be studying. If I break what is left of my year into weekly blocks I should be able to get those done. The only problem of course is managing to fit in the other stuff that I need to get done in order to simply get through each week.

Even as I type this I'm watching the clock.

I'm going to plan my days now. I need to get organised.

Counterproductively, I'm going out to tonight to the pub for a friends birthday party- and I don't feel guilty about it yet.

It has been a while since last my last post... I've noticed that my sentences are becoming shorter and have bgun to drop pronouns.

In an effort to combat this, I'm actively editing my work as I go along, which is something that I haven't done in a while. It really feels strange to notice what a difference putting 'it' 'I' and 'me' can do to a sentence!

I have been rather busy studying for these exams I have in November. I'm getting grilled almost daily on the things I don't know yet, which creates a little disorder when it comes to studying, as I scramble to answer the current question.

My plan, which I have yet to put into effect is to organise my study - create a vague schedule that will get me through to the end of September. I think by then, I should be good. Slow and steady... some students are talking five hours a night, but I don't think my body can cope with that sort of stress. I obviously should have started this a lot sooner.

I'm really beginning to believe there is something about me that really puts people off studying with me - study group of two... maybe I give off a vibe that says 'independant worker, AVOID!' who knows.

Pathetic really, to be worrying about what people think of you. Especially at this stage of the game.

sigh*

I'm off to lose myself in more study...

Was going to update beautifully... head cold just took a turn for the worse though - so I'm off to bed - with vick's vapor rub and hot water bottle in tow.

All my love.

So I've been meaning to chat to lokicarbis for what seems like ages now. At least since I got back from London.

So when I noticed that warmdarkwood had been chatting to him last night, I decided to finally call. I love chatting to lokicarbis. He very kindly put up with the fact that I have the stuffiest nose on the planet right now and that I was enjoying chicken soup. We spoke of nano-things and what I'm missing not being in Melbourne. I must definitely catch up with him when I'm back home in September sometime.

I'm trying to get back for a few months in 2008, the final year of my degree. I'm hoping to work my way across by doing some electives at local hospitals to build up some references so that my intership (2009) application looks a little sweeter. Interstate rivalry, as with all things is huge.

Additionally, as many wonderful things as I've found here, there are so many more waiting for me to move back.

Speaking of wonderful contacts - I also recieved an email, in response to one of my own, from my ex-honours supervisor at Monash, another great someone who I'll be trying to see in September.

Strange moods. Thoughts abuzzing.

So far Medicine rotation doesn't look too bad. I have yet to be grilled by consultants - experiences that feed the medical student horror stories.

Looks like the new power adaptor I got for my laptop might be damaged. It works though- so I don't know if its worth taking it back - any opinions?

I finished up on the ward for the day and am heading home now.

Busy me.

I just realised that since I got internet for myself, I haven't actually posted anything!

Its beacuse I've been on holiday. ( Kinda. )

In summary I'm feeling great, getting by at uni and feeling recharged for my next rotation on Monday.